I’m 30 And Single Because I Know What I Want

I’m 30 And Single Because I Know What I Want


I want to be with a good person

I have written about dating before. Back a few years ago when I was really into it. Playing the field, as they would say. Dating, after all, is a numbers game.

I wasn’t in my early 20’s but I also didn’t really know what I want. I was trying to figure that out. I didn’t want a relationship and learned quickly that nyc was the perfect place for not-relationships. So when I moved to nyc, I had a lot of sex. A lot. And that was fun for a while. For about 6 months, actually. Then it grew boring. As things in excess do.

I gave a lot of people a lot of chances. Or some no chance at all. There wasn’t really a rhyme or a reason to it.

I took some time off from dating and sleeping with people to learn about myself. Figure myself out. Then, as a completely new person, I entered a serious relationship. Got hurt. And here I am again.

Taking A Break And That’s Okay

Since my summer break-up and the loss of my dad happened back-to-back, I haven’t had any rebound flings. I haven’t had any interest in dating or having sex with strangers.

Part of it is the normal thoughts that happen after a death. Worries that you’ll regret things. Worries you never see your loved ones enough. I decided that I want to spend quality time with my friends. Prioritize the relationships I have now rather than spend energy finding new ones.

Also, I need to take some time with myself. Lots of life events happened this summer and I need a break. Dealing with the emotions that come with dating and new relationships, is just not something I want to deal with right now.

Back in September, after being on/off okcupid for a few weeks and having a date cancel, I decided that I just wasn’t ready. I do not want to invest the emotional energy and physical time into dating right now. I told myself that I would not proactively date for the rest of the year. Then would re-assess my emotional state in January.

I Want To Be With A Decent Human Being

I’ve also realized from my time sleeping with everyone/anyone, that I really just want to date someone who is a good person. I’ve always felt a fluctuation with my sexuality but never really defined it. And I don’t really like the words that are out there to define it.

But when it comes to what I want in a relationship, here it is:
I want a good person, who I connect with on a physical & emotional level, who treats me well, and is respectful to others.

That’s it. As long as all those match up, I don’t have a preference for their gender identity, ethnicity, race, etc. Just be a good person. Just be a decent human being.

I Know What I Want And What I Don’t Want

One aspect of dating that cracks me up is mental stability. Both OK Cupid and Match have questions like, “Would you date someone on anti-depressants?” or “Would you date someone who regularly sees a therapist?” Many many people answer ‘No’ to both of these. One man went as far to say that he didn’t want to date someone who needed “crazy pills” to function.

This is akin to saying you don’t want to be with someone who has to exercise to stay in shape.

Instead of being weary when others bring up their own anxieties or experiences with depression, it tells me they are self-aware. They want to get better. Know how to get better. Are working on getting better.

It’s the ones who aren’t getting help, you should watch out for.

Lonely But Not Alone, A Revelation

While I have made this decision to be alone right now. Which truly is best for me at the moment. There are certainly times I feel lonely. It can be an intense feeling. Maybe it lasts a few moments or a whole evening.

In these moments, my depressive brain tries to take over, with silly thoughts like “you’ll be alone forever” and “you’re going to die alone with your cats.”

But I’m not alone.

I can feel lonely. But I know I’m not alone.

There are so many friends, family, and other support in my life. No, it’s not the same as a romantic relationship. Which is why I do feel lonely. But I’m not alone. There are people who care about me.

Being able to feel these two similar emotions separately is not something I could do several years ago. In that way, being 30 and single almost seems easier. I know I’m not all alone.

I know I’m not single because there’s something wrong with me. I’m not mentally putting any of that extra weight on my relationship status.


8 Replies to “I’m 30 And Single Because I Know What I Want”

  1. It’s great you know yourself well enough to know what you need. I’m sorry about your dad and the end of your relationship. I feel so neutral on the whole dating thing. On one hand I think it would be nice, but on the other I’ve just gotten so used to my own routine and not having had a boyfriend in AGES. And having dated very little since my last serious relationship. I think my freelance business suck just enough life out of me that I don’t want to spend more time on the computer. Not sure when, and if that will change. Is it wrong to want to meet someone the old fashioned way or go on a date with someone you already have feelings for? I don’t even get asked out..like..EVER! :)

    1. I definitely am over internet dating and want to meet someone “organically”. Either by other friends or just out doing things. It may be a slower process but it is still possible!

  2. Love this post! A few years back, I took a break from dating. I re-set my standards much higher and decided to live alone unless someone came along who would substantially increase my already-good quality of life. And they did.

    1. I love how you phrased that! I didn’t spell it out in the post but I am okay with living my life without someone, if that is how things go. I will continuously remind myself that I do not want to nor need to settle, my life is good right now and it’s only worth disrupting that if I find someone who can really make it better. I’m so happy that you have found someone and it seems you two are a really great fit!

  3. I definitely feel like I’m 30 and single because I never know what I want. Or possibly because the I never really got over the one thing I did want. I remember right before starting my last relationship, I thought, I really need to be single for a while and learn how to live like that… which I clearly didn’t do, since a nearly 5 year relationship started up right after that. I’m trying to reconnect with that feeling now, but largely I just feel sort of defeated and the whole even trying thing isn’t worth it.

    1. This is certainly a different feeling for me though I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I’ve always thought that while I should be single and get used to that lifestyle; I should also be dating at the same time. And any time not spent dating was wasting precious time. This is why I would go back and forth on dating sites so often. But the act of going out on dates is emotionally exhausting (and time intensive!). I think it is one of those things you have to do in waves because it really can take a lot out of you. In general this is a strange emotional area to navigate around.

  4. Based on previous posts regarding your 32nd birthday celebrations, we declare this post to be inaccurate. Everyone must do their part to keep the Internet the bastion of scrupulous truth-telling we have all come to expect it to be. We urge you to rectify the discrepancy.

    -Internet Police

    1. Yep, “I’m 30” refers to being in my 30’s, since 32 is still on the lower-end of the decade, I’m counting it close enough.

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