Dad is Still Asking for Money: Another Follow-Up

Dad is Still Asking for Money: Another Follow-Up

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In the summer of 2014, my father passed away suddenly. Please read my final thoughts on this topic.

You may not have a reason to feel guilty. You may not know the entire situation. I will always love my father. At the end of the day, I wish I had not given my father any money at all because I learned that that was certainly not the help he needed.

Background of my Family Guilt

I have been writing on this blog about money issues with my father since 2010. That was the first time he directly asked me for money.

I’ve been giving him money and helping him out since graduating high school. Sending him phone cards and small amounts of money every now and then. You know, what parents are usually doing for their children, but it was the other way around.

He never asked and was grateful. I could afford to help him and did it because I loved him. I knew that he had his basic needs covered and could pay for them himself (an apartment, food, etc).

Three years ago, his ancient car needed car repairs. He directly asked me for money for the car as soon as possible. He needed a car. His was not reliable. He was quoted at $600 for repairs.

After writing about this here and with a lot of deliberation, I gave him the money. I had credit card debt, student loans (still do) and barely $2K in my emergency fund at the time – so $600 was a considerable amount of money for me. But I was working full time and really felt I was obligated as a “good daughter” to help my father. It was a non-essential expense but I wanted him to be safe and have a reliable vehicle.

He thanked me and got the car fixed. Soon after, he came to me complaining that the mechanics did a terrible job and he needed more money to have it repaired correctly.

I told him no which he accepted and I never did hear again about additional car repairs. I can guess that they were made-up but I don’t really know.

A Weight on the Relationship

From then on our relationship was a bit more strained. We still talked but I felt like he was using me. He was now quick to ask me for money all the time. Usually it was $50-$100. Money that wouldn’t hurt me so much to lose. I felt that it was helping and eventually he would stop asking.

Sometimes I wouldn’t give him money when he asked and it was never important enough for him to keep asking. He would ask for $100, I would say not right now, then he’d drop it. Clearly it was money that he did not need at all. Sure, I’d love to have a free $100 too!

On top of this, money became something I was aware of when talking to my father. I didn’t want to tell him about trips I took or events I did because he would immediately assume I have tons of money for these things. He always asks me about visiting him. Which I would love to do except plane tickets from NY to WY are $3-400. I just don’t have it.

Over the years, that car died and he did go some time without a car. He lives in town and this is possible. Sometimes he gets rides form neighbors. Or a shuttle. It’s not too much of a problem. He can walk to places as well.

Saying “No” in a Loving Way

Over the summer, dad asked me directly to send him $300 immediately. He bought a car and needs $300 more to purchase it. He already put all the money he has down on the car. I have no idea where he got the money ($1500). He said he is tired of being dependent on people (lololol) for rides and wants his own vehicle.

I was upset being asked again. I was upset that he bought something under the assumption I would give him money to cover it. I was frustrated that this was happening again.

I thought about this long and hard. I foresaw that this old car for under $2K would need repairs soon. Who was he going to ask for repair money? Me, of course. I even saw that the car wouldn’t last long and he would expect me to buy him another car. For the record, this wasn’t he first time he asked me to buy him a car. He asked for $3000 a few years ago for a car but I laughed over the phone (I did not have $3K in my savings at the time). He dropped it.

After gearing up some courage, I told him over the phone “I’m sorry, I love you, I am not giving you this money.” He said some hurtful things. Threw a tantrum and was mad. Then he got over it. And I felt a lot better.

A Relief

Fast forward to a few months later. We are talking on the phone and he says that he got a ride to the store. I asked why, since he had a car now. And under his breath he said that he was disappointed in the car. I implored some details. The car made a strange knocking sound and he didn’t trust driving it far. The power windows stopped working. He wished he knew it was such a dud or he wouldn’t have bought it. Of course.

When hearing this from him, I was relieved! I was relieved that how the car turned out did not affect me! Because I know that if I had given him money for the car then heard this news, I would be pissed. I would be mad that he spent my money on a piece of shit car that I knew. I would be mad that he didn’t listen to me in not buying the car. I would be mad thinking he would ask me to give him more money for repairs.

But I didn’t have to get mad at all. He did not ask for money on this phone call. And I was relieved that I did not have to get upset about this.

Think About Context

I learned that, historically, my father has always asked people for money. And burned many bridges that way. Growing up, I would hear him say “so-and-so turned out to be a piece of work” or that someone “was being a bitch.” I now know that in some cases it was because he was wearing out his welcome. Because someone got tired of giving him things.

While it was extremely difficult to say no to my father, feeling family guilt, and I feared being a bad daughter. I knew that continuing to give him money was actually hurting him. It was not helping him in any way. Enabling this behavior and eschewing all responsibility from him was certainly more hurtful than helpful.

Talk About It

I’ve been asked to speak twice now on HuffPost Live about this issue. In the past it was something I never wanted to talk about. It’s embarrassing. And feels “wrong”. I still have friends borrowing money from their parents. It’s not supposed to happen the other way around. By writing about it here, I’ve realized many more people than I thought are dealing with similar issues. Being able to talk about it, while still a bit embarrassing, has really helped a lot.

Here is the most recent HuffPost Live segment I participated in on lending family members money:

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32 Replies to “Dad is Still Asking for Money: Another Follow-Up”

    1. I enjoyed reading this post and maybe it helped me in someway in dealing with my family in particular my mother. My father passed away April 2014/Lung cancer. Although he and my mother had been divorced for years he still looked after my mother and took care of some monetary needs for her. But the relationship between my mother and I has always been very close, I have always tried to be a shining example for my other siblings to look up to…(it did not work) they have issues, my life is not perfect and I am by no means rich but because I was able to scratch out a long military and civilian govt. career some people think you are rich. I have always been a source of financial support whenever my mother needed it, I would sacrifice my personal needs to make sure she had it. It has been like this for years and I too have young adults children, but they are trying to make it on their own with college and jobs. In June of 2015 I brought my mother a washer and had it shipped to her home state, non of my other siblings assisted me with this, I just looked on the BestBuy web site and charged it (a little over $500.00). Last night I called my mother to see how she was doing and told her I would send $300.00 on the first of Nov to help with house needs and before I could finish the sentence she replied “just make sure it is separate from her birthday gift” (my mom does not want gifts or flowers she wants money) I immediately exploded and replied I am not rich I just work and doing all these things takes a toll on me. I am already mapping out how to send her a monetary gift for Christmas and take care if my two college bound daughters. I will be 54 on 09 November, my son birthday is 14 November and mothers birthday is 20 November. I served 31 years in the military and I still cant say No to my Dear Sweet Mother.

  1. Man, that’s tough. I’m glad that you’re doing what’s best for both of you, though. In The Millionaire Next Door, they talk about weakening the weak by giving in every time they ask. I think it goes both ways, for parents and kids.

  2. Yeah, it’s never fun when your parents ask for money. Especially when they sound so desperate, but you know they don’t have the money because they spend it frivolously. I’ve been there.

    It sounds like you are handling it well, Leslie. Sorry you have to deal with it though!

    Great job on HuffPost!

  3. Well done on the HuffPost :-) That must be a very frustrating position to be in. I’m in the complete opposite camp. We make high salaries, and combined make more than my parents do at the moment, but they still lavish gifts on us and do things like insist on paying for groceries when they visit. It’s not that they can’t afford it, it just seems silly, as it’s money they could use to further bolster retirement savings!

    1. Sounds like you have wonderful parents to me…..my parents used to do that when they came to visit from out of state. Oh, the Joy that brought to our family no matter who made the most money. What a kind gesture! (evidently with no strings attached) Graciously accept their generosity as maybe they could not do this in their younger years while rearing children. :)

  4. I enjoyed reading your posts on this matter. Sometimes it’s tough. I have a family member with a long history of poor money management and living well above her means. Now she has been out of work for about 10 months. She was behind in her mortgage, going to lose her home, so she borrowed $5000. We wrote up a formal repayment agreement but I don’t expect to see it again. A few months have gone by and she is still out of work, and now requesting $500 more. I foresee only more requests in the future. I can’t continue to support her. Yet do I let her lose her home? End up on the street? [Letting her move in with me is not possible long-term.] It isn’t my fault, but I still feel responsible and yeah, guilty.

    Truthfully, I don’t think you should loan any more to your father, and I don’t plan to loan any more to my relative. We aren’t responsible for their financial mistakes, and from what I can tell, they will never change. My relative above borrowed money from another relative for years until that person died….it really did just enable her bad money habits. She spent the entire inheritance within a year.

    I think the biggest difficulty with lending money is that you don’t have control over how they spend it. Your father heading cross-country (your 11/7/12 blog) is a perfect example–if he can’t afford a decent car, how did he afford gas for the trip? Wyoming to NY is ~3500 miles round-trip; that is at least $400 just in gas. (By the way, he could have sold the car for parts instead of abandoning it in South Dakota!)

    I’ve had friends who owed me money, yet were able to eat out regularly, get expensive haircuts, and in more than one instance, go on a fancy vacation. I now understand why lending money causes so many fights because, yes, I admit, I resent it! If you paid me back promptly, I might be able to go on a fancy vacation too!

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience, I am sorry you are dealing with this too. It’s not fair to us and not healthy for the folks depending on us either. One thing I have always kept in mind is to “Never lend something you’re afraid to lose.” I’ve never expected my father to pay me back. He uses the term “borrow” because it makes him feel better but I know I’m just flat out giving it to him. I would never wipe everything out for him. But I have yet to be in a situation where I could comfortably give him the money he asked for.

      It is a huge relief to not have to worry how he spends his money – because it is HIS money and not MY money for a change. I agree that it is forever frustrating to see someone you loaned money to, all of a sudden on a long trip, buying things they don’t need, or not even trying to make money.

      I have tried to remind myself that while he is asking for help, “helping” him in this way isn’t really help at all. And it’s hurting him as much as it hurts me. Enabling is such a frustrating behavior. It really is difficult to confront; especially for adults. In children, you can say “they’ll thank me later” but in adults, it is just sad to see someone doing this to themselves.

      Good luck with your family member, hopefully enough people will stop “helping” her so she can actually get real financial help.

  5. My husband and I are in the same boat. My in-laws have been asking for money for the last 10 years. Two weeks ago they brought a list of theirs expenses to be paid in the next few months, which totaled 12K and told us they would like some help. Then last week my mother-in-law said it on the phone they wanted us to write a $3300 check for the immediate expenses that were either past due or due soon. Imagine how pissed I was. They bought 3 Samsung smartphones not that long ago and signed up for unlimited call/text/data plans ($300/month total). Then last year they also leased a mini van for 7 month ($800/month). These people refused to change and get defensive when we asked why they have to paid so much for these things. Yet they expected us to pay their bills?!!

  6. This type of parental behavior has nothing to do with money and everything to do with mental health and poor money management. My husband’s parents actually ask for money for Christmas and their birthdays, even though both of them retired way too early on small pensions (age 63). I have found it so uncomfortable and disconcerting to put $25 in a card for a parent. I know that if I were to ever give my parents money in a card for Christmas or their birthday they would chuckle inside and give it back to me because they know that they should be more financially secure than I am, and they are. I cannot stand the thought of going out for dinner with my 26-year-old daughter and she paying. That would bother me as a parent and I cannot take from my children, especially when I know that they need the money so badly. I feel that it is my duty to give more than to take when it comes to my children, but my husband’s parents have the attitude that they own their children and that their children OWE them for feeding them (not enough because they were hungry) and putting a roof over their heads when they were growing up. But my husband and his siblings were hungry at times when they were being raised and that is sad considering his Dad gambled, smoked, and always had to have the best name brand of everything for himself while his wife shopped at the Salvation Army and garage sales, and their house was run down and unkempt.

    Not only that but right after my husband’s parents retired way too early (they are both in perfect health), they couldn’t even afford to put a new roof on their dumpy old tiny block house so they ordered all of their kids to take time off work and from their own families drive to their house, stay overnight, and work on their roof, often while my husband’s father stood in the lawn smoking and watching.

    My husband’s parents are the most selfish parents that I have ever seen and with their own behavior and modeling they taught their 5 children how to be extremely selfish. But now that their kids are grown up the parents think that their kids should suddenly be giving and generous, exactly the opposite of what they taught them. Even though all of their children are in their 40’s now and have families of their own, these parents expect their grown adult children to go on a one week vacation with them every other year and to pay their own ways, even if they cannot afford it. If I couldn’t afford a REQUIRED vacation with my parents they would surely offer to pay my share, NOT FORCE ME TO GO ANYWAY AND PAY MYSELF. Without going into detail which would take all day, take my word for it that these parents passed on terrible, disturbing, unhealthy, and extremely dysfunctional ways of thinking and behaving about money, even though they were and always have been lower class/poor. But it stems from severe mental illness and dysfunction. These parents are unhappy in their own marriage and clearly cannot stand each other. There is enmeshment like I have never seen before and both parents have narcissistic personality disorder. They raised their 5 children daily brainwashing them into thinking and feeling that their parents are God’s gift to parents and that nobody outside their immediate family unit is worthy of their family (their behavior is very cult-like). They taught my husband extreme codependency and he can barely think on his own. These parents need their children so badly to fill their empty souls and hearts that they manipulate them and control them and refuse to allow them to cleave or even distance themselves from them. They often used money as a means to control or manipulate, at times borrowing my husband money weekly only so that they can see him more, because they quite obviously couldn’t afford to borrow him any money. It got to the point where every week my husband would spend all of his paycheck and then call his Dad to borrow money, which is exactly what his parents’ goal was.

    I just read an article about parents who ask for money and the expert said that the most important thing that you can give them is not money, but advice about how to properly manage their money so that they can be self reliant and independent. Unfortunately when dealing with my husband’s parents, who think and act like they are smarter than everyone else in the world even though neither one of them has any education beyond high school and neither one of them reads books, it is impossible to force a narcissist to learn how to manage their money. These are the type of people who would lash back or cause serious problems for anyone who would try to point out their errors or try to change them, as they will never change. Therefore their 5 children are stuck with dealing with their mental illness and dysfunctions the rest of their lives, and believe me it isn’t easy.

    But this is how it is everywhere. Families are stuck in dysfunction and mental illness and these disorders and problems are passed on from generation to generation because even if there is a strong link in the chain, someone who will have enough strength and courage to stand up to the abuse/dysfunction, they will be ostracized and condemned by the matriarch and/or patriarch because facing these issues is not the norm. Our society is conditioned to always “respect your parents” even when they don’t deserve any respect. That is extremely counterproductive and fuels these mental illnesses, which technically society (you and I) pay for somehow.

    A social worker at the courthouse who was involuntarily committing someone told me that 1 in 6 adults has some form of diagnosable mental illness, almost always caused from poor parenting, a bad childhood/upbringing, family dysfunction/illness, and childhood trauma. Unresolved childhood trauma is the number one cause of mental illness and problems/issues in adulthood, including alcoholism, drug addiction, homelessness, crime, abuse, violence, etc. All the people in those situations have childhood trauma that is unresolved, and most of the time the trauma/abuse/neglect is not even recognized or identified. Those people go through life blaming themselves and never understanding why they are not as happy and productive as others.

    1. I totally agree with you. It is a mental issue and poor money management. Very good point made, because a lot of people do not see that part –being so tied up with life itself and the constant problems with those who are asking them for money. So thank you for saying it!
      It is something that is essential and very often overlooked in these types of family – money problems.

  7. Are we related? I’ve been going through the same bs ever since I was 18. Hell, even before then. I’d love to get an update on this and see if the situation is still happening? In my case, my mother doesn’t deserve to suffer for my father’s irresponsibility so I bitch and then end up giving in. This time, it was the electric bill. Again. He is 75 and short of getting their mail sent to a po box that only I can access and asking for power of attorney, I’m at a complete loss.

    1. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I did post an update about my final feelings of this situation as my dad passed away recently. I strongly encourage you to stop giving money flat out to your parents. Invest some money by either giving them an allowance, which they have to choose how to spend. Or helping them find extra income, teach them how to spend their money consciously, etc. Straight-up giving hurts everyone in this situation.

  8. Hello Leslie Beslie and everyone,
    I was glad to find this site and these posts. Just reading them and knowing that so many other people out there can relate and we are not alone in such unfortunate sitation dealing with family and money issues. My story is very long, but I will get to the main points. I am the oldest of five in my family, sometimes being the oldest, others in the family expect more from you and it can be very stressful as many may already know. My parents divorced when I was 16, and for both of my parents things went downhill… Especially for my mother… Since the 1983 my mother has been asking me for money to pay her rent and bills, even if she was remarried because her spouse was a studying and working but didn´t make enough money. As I didn´t want my youger brothers and sisters out on the street, I used to pay her rent whenever they couldn´t. My moms husband used to beat her too, and I had to be calling the police each time…Years later my mother divorced.. Long story short, us –her children have suffered a great deal and I myself have been homeless due to my moms problems.
    Today, 31 years later…. she is doing the same thing, she is irresponsible and does not manage her money well at all…. now it is –we or just my younger brothers and sisters who are paying rent, bills, phone or having to lend her mother because she needs it.. Well, my brother who is only a year younger than me and who makes the most money in the family has decided he is not going to do it anymore. He has stopped. I have stopped to. But my middle sister and the two younger ones continue… my mom continues to ask for money for bills and cries.. and so on.. they pity her and pay her bills while my brother and I have stopped.
    To conclude.. my brothers and sister and I do not get along very well nowadays.. Why? Because the strain and frustration… my mother is the nucleus of our –not getting along.. just her. If it weren´t for her and her financial problems –we would get along much better.
    I am now trying to help my mother learn how to manage herself and her money better, through e-mails I have been sort of giving her therapy that she really needs from a professional not me… But my mother will never go to see a therapist.. So I have taken it upon myself.. I want to help her cure herself.. But the funny thing is that my middle sister is angry with me because I don´t cough up any money to help out when they get another call from our mother for her bills…. Today my brother and sisters… well we are not speaking to each other and it is all thanks to our mother… I am doing my best, because as someone has already mentioned in these posts –it is a mental problem. I would like to help my mother improve as a person and not keep her dependent and week like my younger sister is doing… Funny things.. my younger sister swears she´s right and I´m wrong… So as I am writing this post, I feel sad that I can´t just pick up the phone and call one of them to say, hi how are you? Because my mom has ruined that… and I feel alone and it is saddening.. to know that this is all “just” about money… and how my mother is irresponsible with it…

  9. I just got off the phone with my dad and he asked for the same exact thing, money to fix a lemon. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I politley ended the phone call but I am utter disbelief that the PARENT could dare ask his child to dish out her money. I am the only child so it doesn’t make it any easier to be a “Bitch” because I won’t oblige but I can’t tolerate foolishness. I am still owed money from the last car loan from over two years ago. I was a fool once but not twice. I love you and always will but I love the safety of my emergency fund for me!

  10. I’ve been dealing with nearly same situation with you or even worse, i cant buy anything i want , i cant go having fun with my friend because keep working to gave them money and buying my own car, i cant find any girlfriend because keep working like crazy, yeah ITS OUR FATE TO BE LIKE THAT, most of my friends even go to other country for college(got money from their parents),and i didnt even go to a college,all just for them,NOT TO BE RUDE BUT I SAW MANY PEOPLE ALREADY, AND THEY WILL ENJOYING THIS WORLD AFTER THEIR PARENTS LEAVE THEM ALONE…i mean after they ***d, thats a fate that we cant escape

  11. I normally don’t asked my children for money. However, during income tax time if I nneed to catch up on a bill I will asked. One of my daughters received over $8,000.00 and the other daughter received over $9,000.00. I had my light bill I wanted to catch up on and two other small bbills I needed to pay. In total it came to $239.00. Basically I asked each for half from each of them. Was that wrong?

  12. I have been paying my moms bills for the past few months. Being said, when I’m suppose to get my money back something comes up and I have to wait until the next time she gets paid but by then she will ask for more money. I’m not rich by any means but I know how to manage my money. I’m stressing the situation now because she agreed to pay me fROM her tax refund in which she never did and now is asking me to give her $300. No ma’am. She has already borrowed $100s of dollars, get her refund, tells me she gonna deposit my money and 3 days later expect me to GIVE HER money. So stressful. I’m so done! No more paying bills no more borrowing money until I get paid back. She can get mad if she wants too. Help me to help you. Its hard to turn her down. I don’t know what to do.

  13. Oh man, I am currently stuck between my father, mother (divorced) and brother (alcoholic) always asking me for money. At first it was a little thing and an “emergency” but now I feel like they always have their hands out.

    I married a girl from a wealthy family and her parents both recently passed away leaving us some money. We are not what I can call rich but we are well off enough to be able to take a nice trip here and there and have a second home. Of course, what isn’t obvious about the second home is that we rent it out for most of the year to vacationers so it is paid for and costs us nothing. But, it’s the appearance that matters.

    It seems like the minute my mother-in-law passed away the requests started. Little things at first, but now I feel like both parents are counting on me to support them.

    First off – it’s not my money, it’s my wife’s. Not that I would feel any less comfortable if it was my own but, come on. I feel like screaming “how dare you assume, etc”.

    Second – because I refuse to let me family come between my wife and I, I am scrambling to pay for their problems out of my own pocket. This is definitely not working out well for me.

    So, yeah… they are my parents, but are they my responsibility? Should it be my problem that they did nothing to plan for their own futures? And I know exactly what you are saying about the phone calls, I feel like I have to hide everything from them now. I can’t share the experiences I had on that trip or show them pictures of my new car I bought by working hard and saving money. Not by asking for a hand out from my wife.

    Where do I draw the line and get my life back….

  14. I am new in this situation. My father was having alot of financial difficulty. This is not new for him, its continuous and always has been. He has some heart problems and ive backed him up before after being in the hospital as well as gave him extra for spending and he would call me a couple days later to tell me he needs more money. Ive told him to be more careful about what hes spending but I might as well had been talking to a wall. But i gave more anyway and got myself into some financial trouble that I failed to tell my husband about. Ive since recovered and me and my husbands finances are getting pretty good.
    More recently I cant get ahold of my dad because he cant afford a pjone card and hos phone is shut off. I didnt visit often even though it was only about 20 kiles from my house to his apartmemt, mainly because there was always a list of things he needed is to stop to get on the way and then he needed to ” borrow again”. I got nervous not being able to get ahold of him by phone so I added him to my plan and pay for his phone every month. Its not that big of a deal to me.
    An apartment opened up behind my house and I talked my dad into renting it and I went on the lease with him. I did that so that the next time he gets hospitalized for another inevitable heart attack, I could make sure he has somewherw to come home to.
    Up until this point my husband was on track with me. I dont think he realized just how bad off my dad was and now my husband is bitter and feels that I am being taken advantage of by my dad and in turn its going to hurt both of us. Deep down I know hes right but its really hard dto let my dad suffer. I am trying to avoid my dad ever having to move in with us. Because although I have the room its not something I ever want to have happen. I dont care if that sounds selfish. When I was younger my dad told me that his dream was to buy a house and put it in my mame and he could live there so he always had someone to cook and clean for him. This is weird to me and my name is not Cinderella.
    Anyway now my dad lives behind me in an apartment that all of the utilities are in my name because his credit is so bad he cant get them in his name,not to mention he owes every company he has ever had dealings with boat loads of money and he cant afford to pay them.
    It is causing me alot of anxiety worrying about if he is gonna screw me over and its causing problems between me and my husband who does not believe that I am not in some way helping my dad financially still. Honestly he is not completely wrong(my husband) but really my dad has given me back all that he owes me this time. Mainly because I am manageing his money and he brings home however much I tell him to on paydays. But still im getting to the point that im avoiding being outside my house in fear that my dad will see me and want to socialize about anything. Thats terrible but my dads life is seriously pathetic and it brings me down and makes me angry.
    So mow his landlord has offered to sell me the apartment my dad lives in which is a duplex and the other side is rented for $25,000.00 and I cant stop thinking that it would help me right now because then I could use the other persons rent to pay the mortgage and use my dads rent to get him a decent vehicle( of course because his is an unreliable P.O.S.) but I know deep down my husband is ABSOLUTLY NOT GOING TO GO FOR IT. And I know why, he will think my dad isnt going to pay and we will be stuck with the mortgage. But in the long run this apartment needs so much work that it probably isnt worth $25,000.00. I wouldnt be surprised if I had to put close to that into it.
    I dont know what to do….This situation is caused me so much anxiety and grief. Its so bad to say but if the next heart attack gets him ……………im off the hook. He has no retirement. He has no savings. He has no plan. He has no hope.

  15. My father who has been unemployed for 15 years and spends most of his time getting fat on a computer chair. One day he decided he would make easy money online by becoming an internet marketer. The only problem was it was around Christmas time and my dad needed money to apparently buy some shares in a company which he has no experience of doing and asked me for £1,000.
    I gave him the money and didn’t think twice about it at the time as you would never suspect your dad of stealing money. I started to get suspicious and annoyed after 6 months went by; when ever I asked my dad for the money he would come back with “oh don’t worry you will get your money back soon ” But failed too actually tell me precisely when he was going to give it back. After almost 2 years now he is behaving like a child and thug trying to smoke screen any conversation by acting rude and aggressive as if he can pay the money back when he feels like it. Bottom line is even if he repays me back he has burn’t his bridges and can’t be trusted with money at all.
    Manipulation tactics about not living in the real world is often used or excuses about inflation rises or things running out fast in the house with no money to pay for it……….however another turning point was when my dad was complaining about not having any money and decided to buy a cheap television on black Friday which broke down after 3 months as the screen went funny…….and asked myself to pay to fix it because apparently I used it last …..which as you can imagine I said “hell no take responsibility for your own television which you brought as a family television on the cheap”.

  16. Too many people are having children without thinking about the consequences. There is no point having children if you don’t feel like you can give them the best and support them the best. New generations are supposed to improve and move forward socially, intellectually and financially.
    I think parents are selfish, shallow and inconsiderate if they look at their children as potential money lenders. Were they really excited in becoming a parent or was it an accident that is now being disguised or taken advantage of. Anyway, thank God we all have free will and a conscience and instinct. I say only go out of your way for those who earn respect and genuinely care about. ‘Family’ is a stereotype which is not always fully supportive or compassionate. ‘Personality’ helps us to see the real person and you don’t have to anything you don’t feel comfortable with or just doesn’t seem right. Be true to yourself :)

  17. The only time my family contacts me is for money. I have helped them out to many times, its never enough. Now im feeling like im going to have a heart attack, my body can’t take this stress anymore. I feel like they are trying to run me into the ditch. Im working two full time jobs trying to better myself. I have made the decision for my health to cut my family off, at this point i have no other choice. This is very hard for me and im in a great deal of pain but i know if i continue the relationships i will end up homeless or in the hospital.

  18. Reading other peoples story made me feel a little better, I guess I will share:
    My mother raised me, in a one bedroom apartment down the street from my her mother. Growing up my mother constantly depended on my grandmother for money even though she worked majority of the time.
    She always would be borrowing money and asking for hand outs. Growing up I felt like I was burden on her, so I ate little as possible and I never asked for anything extra (except around tax return time when she would spend her entire refund frivolously).
    My father was in my life on the weekends, he paid a small amount in child support.
    I never asked him for anything either, seeing he was just as poor with 2 other children with another woman. FAST FOWARD to me turning 12, I began working at a neighborhood candy store. I would save my money and buy clothes when I could. Thats when my parents started borrowing money from me. It really got bad when started working at Burger King when I turned 14, I was damn near working fulltime while in high school and my mother was constantly in my pocket. One point in time she stopped working, all while moving in her unemployed boyfriend who always questioned how much money and demanded I give my mother more of my money. At the ae of 16 I had 2 jobs so I could save up for my car. I finally saved up around 7K and purchased my 1st car, all the while my mother didnt have a car and was content with riding the bus with her boyfriend. My father had married a woman with 2 kids, and he began rasing his other two kids. FAST FOWARD, I graduate high school at 17 and about 6 months after I turned 18 I abruptly move out of my mothers 1 bedroom apartment because I couldnt take it anymore. She was severly depressed and when I wouldnt give her what she ask for, I would have to deal with her screaming at me. I moved in with my father, who by this time was going thru a divorce with his now lesbian wife. I moved into his house and demanded I, 18 yrs old, pay him $300 a month. All while sharing a room with my 13 yr old little brother and his new girlfriends 12 yr old grandson. I paid him his money, as I slept on his floor for year while I worked fulltime at a nursing home to save up to begin college the next semester.
    I left because he gave me ultimaltum, that either I get a 2nd job or I had to leave. So I left because I knew I wanted to further my education. After that I moved into a small apartment paying $375 per month.
    I just turned 31 years old and I still get calls about borrowing money from both of my parents. Not as often, but It feels like this will never end. Growing up I never asked them for anything and as a adult that tradition still sticks. I have severe anxiety due to the lives they live. It has affected how I interact with my other family and it also has taken it’s toll on my relatonships.
    I’m depressed because of the guilt. My relationship with them is not what I would like it to be. I always feel like I’m about to be asked for something. I resent them. I feel like I’m often being selfish. I often think if I wasnt born, maybe their life wouldnt be what it is today. I’m not rich, but the money is not issue. I just dont understand why they can’t get it together. Why can’t they take control. This has been going on since I was child. I can’t take it anymore. Im planning on moving out of the state soon. I don’t think that will help, I think it will make it worse for me. But I don;’t know what else to do, I need to find happiness. I have to get away

    1. Hi Sad and Disgusted :-) I completely understand although it appears you had it much worse than I did (as my dad has never asked me for anything and did what he could when I was younger).

      My mum is constantly broke, and asks to borrow money from me. I feel guilty all the time as she has helped me over the years to look after my children whilst I studied and worked – but she didn’t work so really isn’t this what any decent grandparent would do? When I had more money I would pay her £300 a month to help out 2 days a week. When I had less money I paid her less and she still helped. Now I have a really kind partner and we both work full time. Still she doesnt work as she is depressed and anxious and has very little money. she is always behind with bills. instead of just giving her money we said she could clean and iron for us (as i was going to pay someone else to do this anyway). but still on top of this she asks me for bus money and also asks me partner for money behind my back.

      It is embarrassing and has ruined our relationship (although it was strained anyway as she left when i was 13 and was an alcoholic most of my life). she is this way with everyone – what can she get from them attitude. I hate it and often her. sometime i just wish for more for her – happiness. my friend lost her mum recently and i am trying to be kinder to my own mum – but we cant choose them and we need to grieve for the fact that we will never have the mum that we dream of. we can only be kind but very firm and not let them ruin our entire life!! xx

  19. My husband’s family seems to think that we are a distribution of money. Always asking for money.. Always having a need. No mention of paying back. Not to be selfish, but , my mom never asked us, for money. She managed things well and she even managed to save over 12,000 and was on social security. Trying to figure out why a degreed woman, whom has a teacher retirement salary, a car that she barely drives and could downsize to a lesser note.. is always waiting on my husband pay day.. Am I wrong for wanting him to stop bailing her out.. She has credit cards and only wears nice nice clothing.. and guess who is always giving her 300 plus every payday.. my husband.. When I ask him when the money is coming back.. silence appears. Not to mention she is always meddling in our business and he lets her.. It may be time for me to cut the losses and move on.. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

  20. My husband and I were chatting about money management when an acquaintance proudly told us that he expects his young children whom he is supporting now to one day support him back financially when he is old. This was the traditional Asian way of thinking which we totally disagree. So my husband told him that he got his equation wrong. If he wished his children to support him during his old age, then he should give birth to a kid every year. Why stop at just 3 kids?!

  21. We cut ties with my mother and sister 4 years ago because of this issue. My husband and I have been married 20+ years and never once asked anyone for a penny. We lived within our means, raised 3 children without anyone ever lifting a finger to help us with babysitting or when one of us was ill. Then when my husband started to do well financially, they all came running with their hands out. Stepfather borrowed $7000 and never paid it back. We also gave him a used car as a gift. Mother asked us to pay off her mortgage (she had taken out so many loans against it to pay for her extravagant lifestyle over the years, she still owed most of it after 30 years). She would take my daughter shopping for her birthday and then ask me to reimburse her. My sister would boldly request expensive presents for herself and her children. I could go on and on. Enough was enough! So mercenary and selfish. That’s not what family love is about. They tried to suck us back in with guilt and emotional blackmail. I guess they were sad to see their cash cow go!

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