Simple Rules for Dating: Text Plans Not Conversation

Simple Rules for Dating: Text Plans Not Conversation


I’ve written dating posts in the past that were mainly dating experiences. Instead of stories, here are some simple rules that, if followed, will give your dating life a boost. I promise.

Yes, I realize that I’m 30 and single with 2 cats and probably shouldn’t be giving out dating advice. Too bad.

texting via flickr woohoo_megoo
via flickr

Texting is for Messages Not Conversations

There’s two parts to this quip: 1) This advice goes for all interactions, not just dating. 2) I’m old and don’t understand all this newfangled technology.

I don’t get to use my communications degree too often so I’m going to break it out here – texting is not a good form of back-and-forth conversation and is a terrible way to get to know someone.

However, texting is an excellent method for making plans! I recommend texting over calling in this instance because, although sometimes inefficient, it means there is a written record of when/where you’re meeting to be used for reference. If you use my direct approach to asking someone out, it shouldn’t take more than 5 texts to determine plans.

Let’s Practice

Never send an open-ended text. “How are you?” “How is your day going?” “What is your schedule like?” “What type of bars do you like?” Just cut to the chase! Remember, don’t waste your time messaging before meeting.

Let’s try this text message script:
“Hey, Are you free Wednesday to meet up for drinks?”
“I can’t Wednesday, how about Thursday?”
“Sounds good, Horse Box at 7pm?”
“See you there!”

This actually works for any method of communication when asking someone out. Just throw a plan out there and if the person doesn’t like it, they will tell you. This also makes you look assertive/confident instead of pandering to the other person’s every whim.

Now, I know some of you are thinking “but what if that person doesn’t like the neighborhood or bar or the color of the sky that night”. Some of you want to accommodate everyone! Some of you think it’s rude not to be complacent.

You’re wrong. Be assertive. This doesn’t mean self-centered, it just means assertive. Directly suggest a day/time/bar. If the other person doesn’t like one of those things, trust me, they’ll let you know. If the person prefers cocktails to beer, you’ll learn that over the course of the date and can go to one of those places for a second date (if you’re lucky!).

If you’re doing the asking (this goes for both genders, I have definitely asked plenty of people out), ask with a set plan. Don’t waste both of your time with “When are you free?” “What type of bars do you like?” “What neighborhood do you want to be in?” Because the response is going to be “I don’t really care” or “I’m free every night except Wednesday.”

This type of back-and-forth time wasting is even more ridiculous while living in nyc because you can just leave a place if you don’t like it! If someone did pick a bar that happens to be extra crowded that night, just walk somewhere else. No harm done.

Honestly, whenever I’ve been asked out directly with set plans it’s always a relief.

Make Plans… Then Relax

Once the date is made, you don’t need to continue conversing while waiting. Trust me, the person is still interested in you and wants to meet you. This goes back to last week’s post, if you talk too much before a date then there will be nothing left to say on the date.

The day before the planned date, one person could send out a text making sure the plans still work. Again something simple like, “Hey, just checking we’re still on tomorrow. Looking forward to it.” That’s it.

Then on the first date you can have as much (or little!) conversation as you’d like.

If You’re Bored, You’re Boring

One quick side note, never text someone that you’re bored. Let’s say you two have a date scheduled for Thursday and it’s Monday. The other person texts, “Hey, how are you today?” Don’t start a conversation. This is not text material. Just say, “Good, still looking forward to meeting you later this week.” That should end it.

Don’t text someone and say “Oh, I’m just bored and wanted to see what you’re up to.” Even on the nights I’m lounging around my apt doing nothing, I’m certainly not bored. Do adults even get bored?

Take this last section with a grain of salt though because I think part of it is I didn’t grow up with cell phones and text messaging so conversing via the medium seems foreign to me. Still, I don’t think it’s a great idea to converse with someone you haven’t met yet while they’re not giving you their full attention.

You deserve their full attention!


5 Replies to “Simple Rules for Dating: Text Plans Not Conversation”

  1. I think ere are two kinds of people. Those who are never bored (you and me) and those who are nearly always bored or easily bored (and I suspect mainly extroverts). Ido not understand them at all.

    I also hate texting. Used todo it all the time as a teen. Now I am old and lazy and would rather call if possible or email/tweet as typing stuff out is less painful. Texting is greTin th siuiation you mention thoughh,

    1. I agree a lot depends on age and, because I didn’t grow up with it, I do see conversation-texting as a “teen” activity that I would have enjoyed when I lived with my parents and worried about them overhearing my phone conversations. As an adult, it’s just a nuisance.

  2. You are indeed giving bad advice. It all depends on the type of connection you have when you met the person. If you established strong rapport, maybe even made out with them when you met then the advice is sound. But what if you met them briefly and didn’t really build any rapport, which happens all to often. This text “hey do you want to meet me at bar x at time y?” will get no response. No she won’t let you know. Or rather she will with no reply at all.

    You will need to re-establish the connection, talk about something in your first encounter, try to mention something funny about your first meeting. Get a reply, any reply at all. Then ask for the date.

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